


always you

by Notmycatsname



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Oblivious Sirius Black, Pining, RSCandyHearts, Trans Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28860000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notmycatsname/pseuds/Notmycatsname
Summary: A misunderstanding at Grimmauld leads to a new start
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 111
Collections: The Candy Hearts Challenge





	always you

**Author's Note:**

> for the RS Candy Hearts Challenge. my prompt was " ❤️ you"

This seems about right, Sirius thinks resentfully as he looks across the room. Remus and Tonks are sitting shoulder to shoulder on a loveseat by the fire, heads close together as they whisper about something or other, Sirius doesn’t care what. The anger and jealousy he feels rise up inside of him shouldn’t belong to a 36 year-old man, these feelings would be more at home in someone twenty years younger. Teenagers have an excuse to hold on to petty bitterness deep in their chest over something as little as a _crush_. He hates that word, how childish it sounds. But that’s what this is, isn’t it? Just a crush.

Remus was never his. They were never together. They danced around it plenty as teenagers but Remus was always so unsure of himself, so hesitant to let himself have good things and Sirius slept with anything that moved so it was impossible to convince Remus that they could have something special. Maybe it was impossible to convince himself that too. Sirius saw them doing the same stupid dance when they were at Remus’s house together, getting so, so close to starting something with only their own hesitancies holding them back. He thought Remus had been interested in him as well but he supposes now he was wrong, he thinks sourly as he sees Remus lean his head in closer to Tonks as she laughs at something he says.

It’s pointless to sit here, staring at the two and get angrier by the second so Sirius hefts himself up from his chair and stomps into the kitchen. He sees Molly shoot an irritated glance in his direction and he just barely holds back the urge to snap at her. It’s not her fault, he knows he’s being an ass right now but he can’t bring himself to care. He perches on a stool by the kitchen counter, resting his elbows on the cold granite and his head in his hands. If he weren’t such a horrible person, he thinks, he’d be happy for Remus. Remus, who spent his teenage years feeling so indescribably different, who lost _everything_ so quickly, who spent the next 12 years slowly and surely building himself back up, becoming truly himself. But he isn’t happy. Sirius can’t find that in himself now. He can only feel the anger that Remus is finding his happiness with Tonks instead of him.

Sirius wants to drink, wants to drown his anger and hurt in the bottle of firewhiskey he’s stashed in the back of the cupboard in the corner of the kitchen. But he thinks of the look of concern in Remus’s eyes when he came to him nights ago, told him he needed to take better care of himself, that _Remus_ needed him to take better care of himself. And even though he’s so fucking irritated at Remus for falling in love with his cousin instead of himself, Sirius can’t bring himself to do something that would upset Remus further. He’d do anything for him, anything to make Remus happy. He pulls out the pack of cigarettes Remus bought him last time he left Grimmauld and smokes one there in the kitchen. At this point he doesn’t give a fuck if Molly or Arthur comes in to tell him off for smoking inside, it’s _his_ house and frankly part of him seems to be looking to start a fight with someone.

He’s nearly three-quarters through his second cigarette and thinking about a third when the floorboard under the threshold creaks and he turns to see Remus leaning against the doorway. He’s got this look on his face that Sirius can’t quite read and that makes him angry again, that he’s forgotten how to see through the mask that Remus puts up. There’s a touch of a smile on his lips though, like walking in on Sirius practically simmering in the kitchen is funny to him.

“Yes?” Sirius bites the word out and a part of him wishes he could keep the anger from his voice because Remus doesn’t deserve to be at the end of Sirius’s wrath but another part, a cruel part, wants Remus to know what he’s done.

“Just wanted to be with you.” Remus’s voice is soft, light. _The words don’t mean what you want them to mean_ , Sirius tells himself angrily. He walks into the kitchen further and takes a seat next to Sirius, one arm resting on the counter as he sits to face him. Sirius keeps himself squared ahead, staring straight forward as he watches Remus out of his periphery. He keeps his expression purposely neutral as Remus reaches out a hand and tucks a stray piece of Sirius’s hair behind his ear. The gesture is so familiar and affectionate and Sirius doesn’t know if Remus is taunting him on purpose. He doesn’t think Remus would do something so heartless, but then again, a lot of things have changed.

It’s silent for a few moments. Sirius puts out his cigarette, folds his hands together on the counter and Remus sets his own hand down just millimeters away from his own. They’d be touching if either one of them moved just a fraction of an inch. Sirius feels the anger bubbling up inside of him again at this stupid game Remus is playing just minutes after doing _whatever it was_ in the other room with Tonks.

“What are you doing?” Sirius’s voice is tight, the words short with his emotions bursting through them. He’s turned his head to face Remus now, takes in the furrow of his brow, the ways his eyes meet Sirius’s before glancing away. There’s some satisfaction in seeing Remus’s mask slip.

“I was just…” He laughs a little nervously and suddenly some of Sirius’s anger fades to confusion. He’s not used to seeing this anxiety from Remus, this unsureness in his words. Remus takes a breath and starts again. “We’re going to have the house to ourselves tomorrow night. I was wondering if you’d want to have dinner together?” Sirius stares at him a little dumbly. Dinner? They have dinner together all the time. He and Remus are the only two who regularly stay at Grimmauld; Sirius because he has to and Remus because he’s got no place else to live. “I could pick up some takeaway, whatever you want and it could be...nice.”

Sirius feels the anger rush back into him and Remus must sense this as his words drift off. “Dinner?” Sirius turns his body now to face Remus fully. “You want to have _dinner_ together on a fucking Friday night? What happened, your girlfriend too busy for you and you thought you’d fill your time with _me_?” Sirius spits the words out like their poison and waits with a sour sort of delight as Remus struggles with what to say. He’s looking at Sirius in genuine confusion and there’s hurt in his eyes and Sirius almost feels good about putting it there. Almost.

Remus looks like he’s grasping at words until he finally lets out a strained, “girlfriend?”

“I’m not an idiot, Remus. I see how close the two of you are.” Most of fury has left Sirius now and he’s left only with a weariness. “You don’t have to hide whatever you have with Tonks.” He’s staring at his hands now, at his bitten off nails because he’s not sure if he can meet Remus’s eyes.

“Oh.” Sirius hears Remus let out a whoosh of a breath. “Sirius,” Remus says slowly, “Tonks and I aren’t...we aren’t dating.” He says this with a weird little scrunch of his nose and a little crease between his eyebrows. “We’ve…” He exhales. “Tonks didn’t know that I was trans.” Sirius’s head snaps up with such force that his neck cracks and he knows he’ll feel the pain of it tomorrow.

“I didn’t think I passed that well,” Remus continues now with a touch of a wry smile, “but Tonks didn’t know and found out, which is fine, I’m not hiding it, but now Tonks has a lot of questions. About all that shit that I figured out years ago.”

“Oh.” That’s all Sirius can think to say as he processes this information. “Oh. Fuck.” He rests his head on the counter and closes his eyes and feels so absolutely stupid. “Is...is Tonks trans?”

“Dunno,” Remus says. “I think they’re still working that out. But it’s...I mean it’s not something I had anyone to talk to about. You were a great help, but it wasn’t…”

“No, it’s not the same,” Sirius says quickly. He raises his head and scrubs his hands down his face. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’ve been...a fucking asshole, then.” He’s also made a great fool out of himself, he realizes, if he was trying to keep his interest in Remus a secret.

The look Remus gives him is hard to read. His head is cocked slightly to the side almost in observation but there’s a fond look in his eyes. “I don’t think so,” Remus says after a few moments. “I really don’t. I think you’re...just dealing with emotions you haven’t had to mess with in a very long time.” His gaze is so, so soft and Sirius notices Remus’s hand has made its way right next to Sirius’s again on the counter. He extends his fingers just slightly so that they brush against Remus’s.

“You never answered my question about dinner.” There's still a nervousness in Remus's voice, but less so than before.

Sirius looks long and hard at Remus, in his eyes before he speaks again. “Like a date?” He feels, again, like a teenager but he has to make sure he's not reading this wrong, especially after channeling his misplaced anger at Tonks. His breath catches a little as Remus just nods, a little shyly with a faint blush dusting his cheeks.

"You want to go on a date _with me_?" Sirius emphasizes the last two words of that question, he has to make sure now that he has this right.

"I love you, Sirius,” Remus says, his smile clear in his voice, “it’s always been you.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> notmycatsname on tumblr


End file.
